Futurama

Stargate: Futurama
By Sgt Wilco

Stargate: Futurama

For the readers: This fanfic takes place right after the pilot episode of Stargate Atlantis ("Atlantis Rising") and the first four episodes of Futurama, and shows what might have happened if things were a bit…"crossed" (Zoidberg: Y'know, like "crossover?" What, not even a chuckle? Oy, it's showtime at the Apollo all over again!).

For the readers who can draw: I heartily encourage you to do some fanart on this, since I don't have an art program and, more importantly, couldn't draw my way out of a paper bag.

For the lawyers of the readers: I do not own or intend to make money off of the characters of either show mentioned above. Now that I've said that, you can tell your raiding parties the bad news about my money, but reassure them of greater plunder on the next divorce/injury settlement.

For anyone who'd like to leave feedback: My Email is nathanw731@yahoo.com, but please don't send any spam (mainly electronic, but that includes canned as well; both are equally repulsive and hard to digest).

Episode 1: Space Pilot Rising, pt. 1: Leaving Kansas

Scene: Planet Express hangar. The crew has just returned from a mission to a certain "sunny little doomed planet," which as anyone reading this knows (excluding some far-future archaeologist who will take one glance and then laugh at our feeble attempts to create literature) has been a complete disaster. Greeting them is my favorite martian…

Amy: Hey Fry, Bender. Leela! Looks like you've gone and made yourself a new…friend…

(Leela's attention is grabbed by this remark, and responds by jumping behind Amy and putting her in a stranglehold)

Amy (gagging): Aak…No…Leela…Aa…the…Aaak…the…rodent…

Leela: Wha… (Amy points offscreen and the camera turns around to show Nibbler)

Leela: Oh (releases Amy)…um, ah…sorry, Amy, I, uh, don't quite know what… came…over…uh…me…

Amy (looking suspiciously at Leela and massaging neck): Hmmm…Fry, how was the trip?

Fry: Man, it was great! Those jail cell saunas you have in the future are fantastic!

Amy: Bender?

Bender: Man, it was great! Those jail cell saunas you have in the future are fantastic!

Amy: Leela?

Leela (startled): Um, we just uh, talked. I mean, uh, man, it was…

Amy: Alright Leela, what happened?

Leela: Okay, you wanna know what happened? Zapp Brannigan is what happened! That pompous, headline-grabbing, overpromoted, overworshipped…

Amy (enraged): BRANNIGAN?! Ai, INCHOH MI NAI UHTZONG BRANNIGAN HU-CHEH NAO SURU! EAHG!

Leela: Amy?

Amy (calming down, but still very ticked off): …Okay, okay, Just lemme guess here: he threw you in jail on trumped-up charges, offered to sort the situation out, then played the sap until he got you into bed?

Leela: Yeah…yeah, that's right…how'd you know?

(Flashback: Amy is on board the Nimbus, accompanied by one of Zapp's former assistants, this one a Neptunian)

Assistant: The captain would like to speak to you in private.

Amy: Good. Maybe now he'll tell me why he carpetbombed my family vineyard!

Assistant: And he wants you to wear this.

(End flashback)

Amy: Don't ask.

Farnsworth (walking in offscreen): Yes, well done Leela and Amy, but you can regale us with tales of your wretched hedonism later. Right now I have a new delivery for you, a shipment of water wings to Atlantaea Four, the holiday planet.

Fry: Cool! Is that some planet where it's Christmas all year long or something?

Farnsworth: No you idiot, it's "holiday" as in "vacation." Didn't they have Brits in your day?

Leela (under breath): As long as it isn't in the DOOP...

Farnsworth: Well then good news! Atlantaea Four is located in the Pegasus Cluster, a resort galaxy completely controlled by an ancient race known as…

(Camera shows all leaning in to hear what the professor has to say)

Farnsworth: …

Fry: well?

Farnsworth: Well what?

Fry: You were talking about the Pegasus Cluster?

Farnsworth: The what cluster?

Fry: We have a delivery there?

Farnsworth: We do? Oh, most excellent, we could certainly use the money, what with the lack of business and all…oh yes…

Leela (frustrated): Eugh, let's just get going, okay?

Bender: I second that motion! (To self): …Lousy old coot …

Farnsworth: …Yes, everyone have a good time in the Pegasus Cluster! It's completely controlled by the Wraith, you know…

The screen goes white then fades back into a first person perspective of a barren plain. The camera is running and looking back at a rapidly closing posse comprised of a familiar breed of vampiric aliens. The camera turns forward and we now see what it has been running to: a large ring-shaped device aglow with rippling blue energy. Suddenly, we hear a loud screech, and the camera turns back to show an organic looking fighter, emitting a ray of similar rippling energy from its underbelly. The camera picks up speed, briefly turns forward to reveal the device is only a few feet away, and jumps. The screen flashes white again and then cuts to a standard view of a similar ring which, before sealing itself off and shutting down, spits out JOHN SHEPPARD, who is immediately assisted by TEYLA EMMAGAN and AIDEN FORD

Teyla (worried): Major Sheppard, are you hurt?

Sheppard (exhausted): No, no I'm fine... (grunts and gets to his feet) Y'know, I don't know what confuses me more…what we were doing on that useless, godforsaken rock…or what the Wraith were doing there…

(Camera sweeps around to show the new setting, the Atlantis Control Center, then cuts to an aerial view of the city itself. Caption on bottom reads "Atlantaea Four: 2000 (Current name: Atlantis Base)". Camera then cuts back inside, showing Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford ascending the main staircase. Descending to greet them is RODNEY MCKAY)

McKay: Ah! There you are! Major Sheppard, I was investigating the Jumper bay and I've found something I think you'll be interested in…

Sheppard: Look, McKay, I've just spent the last few minutes running from bloodthirsty Wraith through 127 degree heat, so unless you've found a cold bath and a case of beer in there, I'm probably not interested.

McKay (rolling eyes): Okay, so you probably won't be, but the fact is I need your help. I've found a rather complex item of Ancient technology in one of the jumpers, and since you're the only guy here who can activate the stuff…

Sheppard: Right, right, I'm coming. Teyla, Ford, you best come along too…y'know, just in case I fall down along the way.

(The camera shows the four walk the rest of the way up to the steps, then cuts to the interior of one of the Puddle Jumpers, the crew compartment of which is occupied by a large, odd-looking device)

McKay: Ah, here we are. Now, see the large black thing in front of you there? I've been putting it through every sort of test, scan, and examination thinkable for the last, oh, seven hours.

Sheppard: So? What does it do?

McKay: No clue. I mean, it hasn't responded to any manual stimulus, it isn't giving off any radiation, and the power source…well, just look here…

(McKay presses a part of the device and a hexagonal container filled with strange, purple-colored particles emerges from a dorsal panel)

McKay: …Now, when I say this is the power source I'm just making a wild guess. It's unlike anything we've ever encountered or recorded, so it might be a power source…it might be a sound system.

Sheppard: What are those weird little glowy things?

McKay: Major Sheppard, what part of the phrase "unlike anything we've ever encountered or recorded" don't you understand?

Sheppard: Alright, well if I'm so ignorant, why'd you bring me here?

McKay: Well, as you can see the device is connected directly to the jumper, I was hoping it might do something if the Jumper was activated.

Sheppard: Alright, alright, don't get your duct tape in a twist.

McKay: Y'know, that show really reinforces some bad Canadian stereotypes…

Sheppard: Yeah, like "Canadians can occasionally be funny."

McKay: Just sit in the chair.

(Sheppard enters the cockpit along with Teyla and Ford, sits in the pilot's chair, and activates the Jumper. The device in the crew area, however, shows no signs of activity. McKay looks at the device in a frustrated way until he is called over to another part of the hangar by Dr. Zelenka)

Zelenka: McKay! Come over here, quick!

McKay (Frustrated): Eugh…Okay, just see if you can find an instruction manual, or a captains' log, or something. I'll be right back, call me over if you find anything. (leaves ship)

Sheppard (concentrating): Okay, let's see here…captains' log…captains' log…captains' log…and…nothing. Look, I dunno what this thing is, but if Rodney can't figure it out it'll be a thousand years (Large, mostly silent flash) before anyone else does. (Shouting): Y'hear that Rodney? It'll be…Rodney?

(Camera turns around to reveal a darkened Jumper bay, with boxes and crates replacing the Jumpers and emptiness replacing McKay and Zelenka)

Ford: Um, excuse me sir but…what just happened?

(Cut to space view of Atlantaea Four, which is now completely waterlogged. After caption appears (reading "Atlantaea Four: 3000"), The Planet Express Ship zooms into view. The camera then cuts to the interior, where we see Leela at her work station, Bender at his station but not working, and Fry, who is currently pressed up against the window taking in the view)

Fry: Wow, this is amazing! Y'know, that's the only world I've ever seen completely covered in water!

Leela: True, but aside from Earth and Vergon Six, that's the only world you've ever seen period.

Fry: Oh. Good point.

Bender: Eeh, you Humans. You care too much about what a planet looks like on the outside. You just don't get that it's what's underneath all the so-called beauty that counts!

Leela: Why Bender, that's so sweet. I never knew you were like that…

Bender: You kiddn'? I've always been a raging kleptomaniac, and that goes double for lost cities and buried treasure! That stuff you can only find under the surface!

(Scene cuts to a large tropical island. The PE Ship is shown flying through the landscape for a while, eventually stopping over a large volcano. The camera moves above the ship to show that the mouth of the volcano is covered by a large set of blast doors. These open to reveal a seemingly endless artificial tube, which the ship then descends through. The camera then cuts to the interior of the now-empty Jumper bay, where we find Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford making their way to the doors on the other side)

Ford (shouting): MCKAY? …ZELENKA? …MCKAY!

Teyla: Lieutenant Ford…I do not think they are here…

Sheppard: Yeah…Alright, let's check out the rest of the base, see what's going on…I tell you though, I have a really bad feeling about this…

(The trio approaches the doors, which should open automatically, but don't)

Sheppard: That's odd, the doors are locked down…Ford, can you override it?

Ford: Just step back sir… (Ford opens a panel in the walls and starts rearranging the circuitry) …Okay…almost got it…There!

(The doors open, allowing them in, then automatically close. The camera then turns around, showing the doors on top of the hangar open up. The PE Ship then lands and descends its cargo platform, along with its crew)

Leela: Well, this is where the guy up top said to deliver this crate.

Fry: Are you sure that's what he meant when he said to shove it where the sun don't shine?

Leela: Yes Fry, now use the hoverdolly and put it with those other crates.

Fry: Why not have Bender do it?

Leela: Because he's more likely to put it with those other pawn shops.

Fry (frustrated): Eugh, fine. But just because we can't trust the robot.

Bender (offscreen): I heard that, skintube!

(The camera is following Fry as he pushes along the dolly and grumbles to himself for some time. Suddenly, it bumps into something, causing Fry to hit his head on the crate. He grumbles louder, pushes the dolly aside, then gapes. The camera switches to a view from behind, and we now see the object of Fry's interest: the abandoned Puddle Jumper. With the camera in the same position, Fry runs around to the back, enters through the open hatchway, sits in the pilot's seat…and hears a slight hum. The camera then switches to a view of Leela and Bender)

Bender: So then on my third day bending girders…

(Bender is then cut off by the sudden illumination of the Puddle Jumper in the background)

Fry (shouting): Hey! You guys have to see this!

(The camera is now following Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford as they slowly navigate the hallways of Atlantis which, for some inexplicable reason, are now as dark as the Jumper bay. Ford and Teyla are bringing up the rear and have their weapons at the ready, while Sheppard is on point with a Lifesigns Indicator. After a while…)

Ford: Aw, C'mon Sir! This is just dumb!

Sheppard: Oh, really? What's dumb?

Ford: This! Y'know, the whole sneakin' around, covert-ops BS we're flauntn' here! Sir, just because the base has a blackout doesn't mean it's suddenly enemy territory!

Sheppard: Yeah, you're right about that…if it's a blackout. The only problem with your theory there is that I'm not getting a reading on McKay or Zelenka, or anyone else for that matter, and…

Ford: No, wait, look there…

(The camera moves from its close-up of Ford to a rear view of Sheppard's head. As he and, by the same effect the camera, look down, we see that there is in fact a single blip on the indicator's screen. The screen moves to a close-up of Sheppard…)

Ford (in background): Hey, now see? They already have a technician out to fix the generators! (The camera turns around to show a shadow intersecting the hallway…) Now what'd I tell ya, huh? This is just…

(Ford's voice is getting droned out by the sound of a heartbeat. The camera angle now switches between a view of the shadow and a close-up Sheppard's face, with each switch the former getting closer and the latter getting more anxious. Suddenly, the scene sticks on a view of the shadow, and we can now see the legs of its source. Within the space of a few heartbeats, the camera moves up to show the upper half of the individual, at which point the sound cuts out. We can now see that the figure on patrol is in fact…a Wraith Warrior. There is utter silence for a few moments. Suddenly, the Wraith lets out a long, piercing shriek, but takes a number of bullets to the head before he can finish. Picking up where he left off, however, is the harsh clang of the Atlantis Security Alarm…)

Ford: Got anything else to say, blackout boy?

(The scene switches back to Fry, now along with Leela and Bender (with a camera angle the same as when Sheppard and company were in the Jumper a few minutes earlier), who don't notice some activity going on in the background)

Leela: Alright Fry, what is it this time?

(The doors open, and Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford run through with Wraith in hot pursuit)

Fry: What is it this time?! Leela, look around! Do you have any idea how cool this thing is?

(Sheppard and Teyla take cover, while Ford rewires the circuitry, managing to close the door just in time)

Leela: Alright, two things: First, this is just some abandoned antique hovercar, there isn't anything "cool" about it. And second, I don't care how cool you think it is, it isn't yours, and I would very much like to avoid a lawsuit from our client.

(Ford and Sheppard start to relax, until Teyla points out the now-occupied Jumper)

Fry: Okay, but now I have two things for you: First, like you said it's abandoned, nobody cares about it! And B, the thing started up by itself! It's just begging for a joyride!

(The trio starts running towards the Jumper)

Leela: A Joyride?! Fry, are you out of your mind? It's just a car, you can find plenty of those back on Earth!

(They're just about to reach the vehicle, when suddenly…)

Fry: Well I don't know about you, but I'd be flipping out over this thing if I was back in the year 2000…

(A familiar flash encompasses the cabin and the screen, which switches to a "flashback" of McKay's conversation with Zelenka. We can clearly see the Jumper (occupied by Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford) in the background.)

McKay: Alright Zelenka, can you make this quick; I'm in the middle of examining some very complex Ancient technology here.

Zelenka: And I think I can help. You see, I was going through the Ancient database, and I found a section on a rouge scientist named Janus. Apparently, before the city was evacuated he managed to design and build a machine capable of…time travel…

McKay: Oh I'm sorry, I think I heard you wrong; you see I thought you said "time travel," but you just really couldn't have, because TIME TRAVEL is PURELY and SIMPLY IMPOSS…

(McKay does not complete his sentence because the jumper containing Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford has suddenly vanished into thin air…)

McKay (worried, walking towards spot formerly containing Jumper): Uh, ah heh…uh I'm uh sure he's just eh, accidentally…activated the, uh invisibility…

(McKay is again cut off, this time when the same jumper rematerializes right in his face. But instead of seeing Sheppard, Ford, and Teyla, he sees a civilian, a…robot…and…wait, how many eyes does that woman have??? All stare at each other for the longest time until, eventually…)

Fry/Leela/Bender/McKay/Zelenka: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

…To Be Continued…