Futurama

Against All Odds
By FemJesse

(Opening Credits Line: Watch out for the billboard)

(scene opens with Amy and Leela in an undisclosed public bathroom putting their makeup on)

Leela: I can’t believe Kif won’t go on a one on one date with you.

Amy: I can’t believe you won’t go on a one on one date with Fry.

(Leela furrows her brow and puts her lipstick on as Amy talks)

Amy: He said he spelled your name in the stars or something. Well, anywho, Kif is too shy to be alone with me like that. (Leela presses her lips to even out her lipstick) Not like Fry, he was way too… impulsive for me.

(Leela puts her lipstick in her purse and plays with her hair)

Leela: At least he doesn’t make up stories like… hey why are you always talking about Fry? It’s like you’re in love with him or something.

Amy: Oh… I’M not in love with him.

(Leela walks out of the bathroom with a sour look on her face and sits next to Fry in Elzar’s restaurant. Fry is sitting next to Kif and Kif is looking nervously to an empty seat.)

Fry: Its okay Kif, she probably only fell in a little. (Fry jokes, Kif shrugs, not “getting it” apparently)

Leela: Kif, why don’t you just go out with Amy on a non-double, not-two-coupley kinda date some time?

Kif: Oh it wasn’t my ideee… (Fry’s demeanor changes and he shakes his head no at Kif, Elzar walks up to the table giving Fry the chance to change the topic of conversation)

Fry: Well who’s going to order for Amy? (He smiles vacantly at Leela) Salad is girl food! (Nudges Kif) Order a salad for Amy! (Kif just nods, and sweats puddles. Leela looks bemused at Fry’s logic and decides to defy it)

Elzar: One salad.

Leela: I’m going to have the lobster stuffed wiiith (rolls her finger down the menu) taco meat.

Elzar: One number three special.

Fry: A hamburger… with cheese!

Elzar: (sighs) A plain cheeseburger.

Kif: Eurm… I’ll have… uh… just a salad.

Elzar: Another salad, and what to drink.

Fry and Leela simultaneously: BEER! (Leela quickly changes)

Leela: Two for me!

Kif: I’ll have water… I think Amy would like wine.

(Elzar walks away, looking a little disgusted by the group. Amy returns to sit down, smiling)

Amy: So what’d I miss?

Leela: (rolls her eye sarcastically) I just proclaimed my undying love for Fry.

Fry: (looks excited) Really!? I just missed that… could you repeat it?

(Leela looks at him and shakes her head ‘no’ Fry looks dejected.)

(Elzar sets down the food, the four start to eat, the camera pans up to look at the night sky out of the window. The camera pans out again on Fry in the planet express ship, looking out at the same scene)

Amy: (seductively to Kif) I really wish you could stay over.

Kif: (embarrassedly) I… oh! Oh my! (kisses Amy’s cheek, Amy looks disappointed)

(Fry looks up hopefully, at Leela leaning over the control panel of the ship)

Fry: (seductively) Am I going to get a good night kiss?

(Leela brushes empty liquor bottles off the control panel, she spins around in her chair facing Fry and smiling somewhat evilly)

Leela: Suuure. I’ll kick you. I’ll kick you good and hard, I will. (she pounds her fist; Fry looks concerned at her)

Fry: Uh, Leela I think you’ve had too much to drink.

Leela: (tipsy) No, YOUR mother! (she slides off the chair and out of the frame)

Fry: (frowns) I’ll go make you some coffee. (Fry walks away fairly quickly)

(Fry has a quick montage of every time he and Leela almost made romantic contact, including on the Titanic, when he had the parasites, and when they almost held hands on Valentine’s Day, he looks at the coffee maker and begins talking to it)

Fry: I guess I’d want to be drunk if I had to spend a night with me, too. Can I have something strong for a hangover?

(The coffee maker makes a vomiting sound and spits out a three cup mug of cold, black coffee)

Coffee Maker: I knew I was saving the grinds for something.

Fry: (sighs and takes the mug) I wish I saved the grinds…

Coffee Maker: Does not compute!

Fry: (lowers his head and walks out of the frame back into the cockpit) Hey Leela I think you should have something to drink.

Leela: (cackles) What do you think I’ve been doing all night!?

Fry: (gets indignant and thrusts the mug at her) You smell like Bender.

Leela: (takes a gulp of the coffee) This tastes like sand…

Fry: I thought you liked it like that?

Leela: I didn’t say I didn’t. (She smiles and clamors back up to the pilot’s seat) We’re approaching the Nimbus. (She swivels around in her chair to face Amy and Kif, who are now next to the port window) Say goodnight, you two!

(Amy grabs Kif, holding him close and puckering her lips)

Kif: (his camouflage reflex goes off) Goodnight!

(Amy kisses him forcefully, he walks down the stairs and Amy sighs)

Amy: Well there’s no point in being awake if Kif’s not around. Night! (She leaves, whistling the first few notes to “My Heart Will Go On”)

Leela: (eyeing Amy) Isn’t it pathetic how she thinks about him all the time?

Fry: (in… THOUGHT!) Hmm? Oh, yeah… pathetic.

Leela: You look upset about something. Didn’t you like your hamburger with cheese?

Fry: Yeah, it was fine. I’m just worried about you. Aren’t you sick at all?

Leela: Hey, I’m better. I’m one sentient mutant… yep…

(There’s an awkward silence as Fry leans against the control panel)

Fry: I was hoping you’d have fun tonight.

Leela: I had enough fun. (Jerks the ship with a quick steer, causing Fry to stumble)

Fry: No! I mean, don’t you enjoy hanging out with me at all?

Leela: Of course I do! Just like I enjoy hanging out with…

Fry: Forget it, I’m going to bed.

(Fry enters his room and picks up the lined notebook that he draws his comics in. He lays back and leans it against his knees, clicking his pen)

Fry (thinking as he doodles): Leela walked into the cockpit and looked out the window with me. There, written in the stars, were the exact words I wanted to express... “I love you, Leela” She saw it… She married me for it… and we did not get divorced. We shared our football plates for the rest of all time. (He throws the pad on the ground and begins to grumble) Things never happen in the order they’re s’posed to.

(He leans back, wide awake, with his head in his hands. The scene cuts back to Leela driving back to Earth)

Leela: Captain’s Log! (The ship beeps) Star date uh… now… Why am I so hard on Fry? “Four no good raisin” perhaps… maybe I’m jealous that he has two eyes. Maybe I don’t want another Zapp Brannigan stalking me.

Ship: Maybe you have a crush on him.

Leela: (becomes defensive) No one axed you.

Ship: Approaching the Planet Express launch pad…

Leela (stands up and stretches): I guess I’ll have to wake up the kids. (Quietly walks into the girls’ quarters and shakes Amy) We’re there. (Walks across the hall into Fry’s room, tripping on his junk) Wake up, its time to go to bed! (She sees his notebook on the ground and opens it up to the latest comic he drew) Poor guy…uh… HEY YOU! (She swats him with the book, then drops it where it was) Wake up!

Fry (laughs): I WAS awake! (He starts giggling as Leela swoops down again and scoops up the notebook, swatting him with it and chasing him out of the room.)

Fry (off screen): You’re cute when you’re mad!

Leela: (still gripping the book aggressively)… and you’re just so mature!

Fry (still off screen): I like being chased! It’s a nice change.

(Leela sighs, drops the book, and then exits Fry’s room.)

(Amy passes out in the garage area; Fry and Leela step around her and exit the building. It’s so late/early the sun is breaking the horizon)

Leela: (gives Fry a quick peck on the cheek) That’s for buying me food last night.

Fry: What if I bought you food every night? (Leela sighs and Fry takes her hand) I’m joking. I won’t have any expectations… if you don’t want me to.

(Leela looks surprised at his eloquence)

Leela: Do you have worms again?

Fry: I don’t think so. Why do you as… axe? (Leela smiles and shrugs, Fry kisses her hand) Your hand smells like coffee.

Leela: Get some sleep, Fry.

Fry: See you later, Leela.

(Fry walks into his apartment at Robot Arms, Bender comes out of suspend mode and waves his arms around)

Bender: Burglar! I’m being burgled, oh burgle-be!

Fry: Shh! Bender it’s just me…

Bender: Oh it’s you, meatbag. How did your human thing go?

Fry (tossing his coat on Bender’s antenna): My date? Not bad… but not necessarily good. Now I gotta get some sleep or I won’t be able to function later.

Bender: (putting on his curious British accent) ’Ello?! One would think you would have gotten some sleep in the time Leela dropped off Amy’s lizard boy.

Fry: Nothing happened.

Bender: I thought you two would have output already.

Fry (gets angry): Leela is a special; she doesn’t have to output to retain my attention… Hey a quarter!

(He bends over to pick it up, scene transitions to Leela doing toe touches in the Planet Express conference room)

Leela (watching Fry and Bender walk in): One-two! (Zoidberg is wearing a sweatband and spotting Leela, though it is clear she doesn’t need spotting)

Zoidberg: I’m helping my friend! (Points at Fry) Zoidberg is the most trusted! (He clicks his claws and does his lobster hoot, everyone ignores him, as usual)

Hermes (walks in cheerily, holding a small pile of papers): Good news, everyone! The professor died!

(Everyone gasps at Hermes, and Leela stops doing her stretches)

Farnsworth (off screen): Damn it Hermes! I didn’t die; I overslept. (He walks on screen and points at Hermes) Put that damned death certificate requisition away. (Hermes walks back into his office disappointedly) Good news, everyone! We’re on call today, so just stick around here and clean up until I give you some real work.

Fry (straightening up and saluting): Permission to get donuts, sir?

Farnsworth: Permission granted, as long as you pick up some of the self-chewing kind… (He throws a twenty at Fry, who smiles it and tucks it in his pocket)

Leela: (leans against the teal table pointedly) He can’t pilot the ship alone…

Farnsworth: Well I need a woman to stay here and wash my Re-Depends. (Leela points at Amy in the corner by the sink) Amy is simply too cute for such a deplorable job. (He throws the laundry bag at Leela. She shudders)

Fry: Well, I’m leavin’ on a spaceship. (He looks at Leela and twirls the keys, lowering his voice) … I don’t know when I’ll be back again…

Leela: Try ten minutes, hotshot. Taking a woman’s baby away is wrong.

Fry: I knew you cared about me!

Leela: (lowers her eyelid) I meant the ship.

Fry: Right! Come Bender, you shall be my gunman, in case we come across hostile Omicronians.

Bender (waves his hand and has a cigar): No thanks. I’d rather stay here and blab all your human secrets to the cyclops. (Fry whistles and boards the ship; he exits it in reverse, yet nobody seems surprised or concerned)

Leela: I don’t think Fry is capable of keeping his own secrets.

Bender: You’d be surprised… He talks about you all the time. And he kept these… (Bender pulls the pair of wedding rings out of his chest cavity and quickly replaces them) But that doesn’t matter, cause they’re mine now. Hehehe…

Leela: That’s just mean. You should give them back to him.

Bender: You gave yours back and he was more hurt than ever. What does he need them for, anyway?

Leela: How would you know if he was hurt?

Bender (takes a long draw of his cigar): Because I have to suspend while he plays his holophoner… He’s got it for you in the processor. He holds you in his RAM, even when he reboots. You’re more than just a folder on his hard drive. So what if his temporary cache is full? Look, pork-pouch, the answers are so simple. How come you don’t give the guy a chance? No one is perfect… except us robots… we’re built that way. Well my point is, tear down that firewall in your inferior human heart.

Leela: (staring at Bender) That almost made perfect sense. When did you get so wise?

Bender: (the cigar falls out of his “mouth”) Its how I was about Angleina. Now if you excuse me… (He reopens his chest cavity and pulls out a USB cable) I have a hot date with the toaster. (He puts his hand next to his mouth and lowers his volume) She’s into the rough stuff…

(Leela tries to ignore the last Bender-ism. She feels a hand on her shoulder unexpectedly, and jumps.)

Fry: Donuts are here! (He holds up the dozen as though it’s a trophy accomplishment)

Leela: That must have been the quietest landing ever, Fry. Good job.

Fry: Let’s see… (Everyone gathers around the table as Fry passes out the different flavors) Low-nuts for Amy, Meto-Nuts for Bender, Faux-nuts for the professor, Limbo-nuts for Hermes, Astro-nuts for me, and Zoidberg can have the box. (Fry turns around to get the box for Zoidberg, but its gone)

Zoidberg: Already done.

Leela: (Crosses her arms) I guess you assumed I didn’t want any because I was watching my weight.

Fry: I got you the best. Viola! A Glazed Nuclear-cream-filled-double-dipped-suicide donut for Leels!

Leela: It’ll take me a week to eat this, at least. Thanks Fry.

(Everybody sits down to eat together, like a big, freakish family.)

Amy: If it doesn’t have a hole is it still a donut?

Fry: If Leela doesn’t have two eyes, is she still beautiful?

Amy: Cute!

Bender: (disappointedly) My Meto-nuts don’t have as much cadmium as they usually do…

(Leela pokes her Suicide Donut with a plastic knife… it wiggles as though it were alive.)

Leela: I can’t cut it, its too beautiful. I mean… its like art!

Fry (laughs at Leela): A la Arte de Povera or Avante Garde maybe… (Everyone stops eating at stares at him. He looks up in mid-bite.)… uh… I mean… maybe I was a little critical… eh heh… duh?

Hermes: Did you have another truck stop egg salad sandwich?

Fry: Why does everyone keep insinuating I have the worms again?

Farnsworth: I think we should go have a look! Wheee!

Fry: That’s a little embarrassing. Can I just go in and look around myself with a droid?

Leela: Since when are you embarrassed by anything? We don’t need to go in and look, that’s proof enough…

Farnsworth: Oh poo!

Fry: Come to think of it, they said they’d come back some day…

(Leela pushes her donut away from her and looks at Fry)

Leela: They were in the burger you had?

Fry: That’s not sanitary… I wonder if we can sue Elzar.

Bender: I won’t respect you ever again if you sue Elzar…

Amy: Since when did you respect anyone anyway?

Leela (puts her hand on Fry’s shoulder): If you really want to, you can chase them out again… I’ll help you.

(Fry looks ill and confused for a second. Everyone has finished his or her food except for Leela. Fry stands up very suddenly.)

Fry: I thought you used to like the worms? Why do you want to get rid of them, now?

Leela: (turns her back to Fry) I’m not exactly sure why…

(The scene cuts away and Leela and Fry scan themselves and put on their cyber-gear, as the rest of the staff watches on. Fry and Leela twirl their lasers)

Fry: Okay I took us in the fastest way possible… now we just have a short walk and to look around…

Leela: It’s really quiet. (She kicks him in the shins playfully and runs a few meters ahead of him.)

Fry: What was that for?

Leela: (looks a little disappointed) I’m not used to you being so serious… I’m not sure I like it.

Fry: Well I won’t be that way when we chase these stringy bastards out…

Leela: What’s the plan of action?

Fry: I was just going to do what I did last time… but… you being here… it changes everything.

(Leela looks questioningly at Fry, but he does not return the glance)

Fry: We’re there… (He motions his laser gun as a villa and a sign that reads “Welcome to Cologne”) Please just let me do the talking… (Fry and Leela walk into the villa side by side, down a long red carpet. They both kneel at the end of it, in front of the young new king)

Emperor: I’ve heard tell of you, Universe. (The emperor directs his attention towards Leela) Is this the woman my forefathers spoke of? Was she worth making yourself stupid over?

Fry: Yes, great Emperor. (Leela looks between Fry and the Emperor awkwardly)

Emperor: … and would she have been worth it, had you actually cut your medulla oblongata, and killed yourself?

(Leela gasps at the Emperor, then turns to Fry)

Leela (to Fry): You weren’t really going to KILL yourself… were you?

Fry (closes his eyes): What did I have to lose? Like I said before, I needed to know if you loved me for what the worms made me, or me for who I was before.

Leela (thinking carefully): Which one wrote, “I love you, Leela” in the stars?

(At this, the Emperor stands up and snaps his fingers. The small amount of workers and militia that had been occupying Fry file into the room, and line the pathway of the red carpet)

Emperor: Let it be known that Leela has now chosen the ‘before’ Fry. The workers have stopped working. Now let us all leave before Fry does something stupid. (The worms start filing out, as if they had practiced for the occasion) And this time… we’ll never come back.

Fry: NO!!! Don’t leave! I’ll never have my chance... (He falls on his hands, sobbing pathetically) I can feel myself getting dumb again.

Leela (sits up straight, wrapping her arms around Fry): I love the Fry that I married before. I love the Fry that chased me, even when I hurt him. I want my stars back.

(Fry stops audibly crying, and removes Leela’s helmet, bringing her back to the Planet Express Medical Bay. She then throws her lasers on the ground and removes Fry’s helmet, she wipes the tears off his face. The two spin around to alleviate awkwardness and notice the rest of the Planet Express staff haven’t moved from their original seats, sitting quietly.)

Leela (clears her throat): So… the lasers were pretty useless huh?

Fry (sniffling): Nah. They looked good.

Amy: (squealing) You really DID move the stars for her!

Fry: (looks into Leela’s eye) I would move all the stars in the sky…

(The entire company walks out, leaving Fry and Leela alone in the Medbay)

Bender (turns to Farnsworth): Professor, it didn’t work, there’re still worms in there, I think.

Hermes (smiles knowingly): Don’t worry, metal man, I have a feeling the worms are gone for good.

Bender: How can you be so sure?

Hermes: Who do you think planned this?

Amy: And who do you think executed this?

Zoidberg: Zoidberg helped, too!

Farnsworth: ... Meddling kids.

Bender: Oh my god! But what would be in it for the worms if they couldn’t live in Fry’s body?

Hermes (laughing): We made prior arrangements to keep the worms busy for a long, long time…

(The camera pans in dramatically on Professor Farnsworth’s head)

Worker Worm #1: (panting) Sir, we keep exercising the brain…

Worker Worm #2: (runs in behind worker worm #1) He just forgets what we teach him…

Emperor: So you’re saying we’ll never complete our grand design?

Worker Worm #1: (the workers look at each other) In short… yes.

Emperor: (crosses his arms, satisfied) Perfect.

(The last shot consists of a slow solid swoop from the inside of the professor’s body, through his nose, overhead of him, out of the building, the earth, then resting on the galaxy.)

The End