Match 16: Amy's Parents vs. Fry's Parents
 
AMY'S PARENTS' WEAPON OF CHOICE: A nice husband with a reliable sperm count
FRY'S PARENTS' WEAPON OF CHOICE: Breakfast at Tiffany's record
The next Claw Plaque will be very special, so whatever you do, MAKE SURE you
go to the bottom and read the rules, because there are special voting conditions
this time. So, make sure to read! It's a very long explanation, but it's important,
so stick with it!
And so it begins. The votes were close this week: four to three. Make sure
to vote for next week's claw plaque extravaganza, which will make it in time for
our first birthday [Say Argh!'s]. Anyway...
GONG! GONG!
Two gongs today, because there are four people participating. The Wongs stand
at the side, standing on their pile of money, glaring at the err... Frys, who
are... Irish. This is going well. Yes.
'Those briefs that your son wears will ensure the sperm count is low, and therefore
you will NEVER be grandparents! Ahahahahahahahaha!' Taunts Mrs Wong.
'What are you talking about? Our other child already made us a grandson, he
was a famous astronaut, he discovered Mars. Anyway, aren't we supposed to have
died, you know, hundreds of years ago?' And with that we usher Mrs Fry's awareness
of continuity errors out of the stadium.
They've had enough of the talking, the parents want to fight! As the crowd
watches on with hunger and ugliness, the Wongs and the Frys size each other up.
'Honey, it's like in football, you know, the one that has minimum involvement
with the foot: American football! You've gotta beat 'em down quick, or you'll
lose!' Mrs Fry nods. They go straight for the record and frisbee it at the Wongs.
Them both being Cantonese midgets (the best kind of midgets), the record goes
straight over them, bounces off the side of the arena, and continues to do so.
The midgets and the Irish must now dodge the spinning Breakfast at Tiffany's
record, as it flies around the old stone coliseum... on a lobster planet. As in
real life, of course.
'They thought they could get their attack in early, did they? Well the Wongs
won't be wavaged, er... ravaged by a record!' So, they bring out their rich prospective
husband.
'Good husband, go and kill those redhead freaks!'
'I'm afraid t'would not be proper behaviour for an attached man to kill another
ma'am. What WOULD be done with the mortgage?'
'Useless nice husband! You are useless in battle, why did we bring you along.
You shuffle off and impregnate my daughter now, or no chicken feed!'
'Very well ma-am, I'll make it twins.'
So, as Good Husband™ walks off, he is suddenly decapitated by the flying
record. His head flies off and knocks the Frys over. A blessing in disguise for
them, as the rampaging disc flies right where they would have been seconds after,
and it hits the wall. The part of the wall with all the loose bricks. You can
guess what will happen now. THE BRICKS FALL ON THE FRYS, CRUSHING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRASH! BANG! BANG! CRASH! DEAAAATH! GUTS! PUSS!
Good enough? The emperor comes down to award the Wongs. They didn't want a
medal though, so he instead comes bearing their requested gift. 'Here's your damn
baby! I had to fight some crazy old lady to outbid her on Ebay for it!'
So, everyone is happy, except the Frys, who are dead. But their beings will
move to the next plane of existence, etc, etc. So, TECHNICALLY, they're happy.
The next Claw Plaque will be arriving on our anniversary (21st January) and
it's going to be a very special one: it's going to be our FIRST three-way match!
It's going to be the most overblown dramatic Claw Plaque you've ever seen, and
its competitors aren't from the show either. Introducing the fighters of Claw
Plaque, match 17:
GORT: A thousand-year-old sage, who enjoys spitting on peasants from high rooftops
and watching The Weakest Link.
MAX: A shining image of perfection, who has worked non-stop for this site [Say
Argh!] in the last few months and hasn't slacked off at all. He is too good for
all of you.
SCOTTY: A skirt, err... KILT wearing Scotsman, who will let you hold his sporran
if you vote for him. He enjoys walks along the beach and discussing the merits
of haggis.
You MUST vote for one of us.
Now, let me explain how this special Claw Plaque will work, it will have three
rounds, which go as follows:
ROUND ONE: Each of the three contestants will be placed in an atlasphere (like
a hamster ball, but made of glass). These atlaspheres will be placed on a huge
floating platform above a giant sea of lava; the platform tilts. The person with
the least votes will die in this battle. The other two progress to the next round.
ROUND TWO: In this round the two remaining contestants are placed in the Antarctic,
with two ravenous polar bears. These bears can be tamed, but ONLY if they are
fed Slurm. There is ONE can of Slurm hidden somewhere, the person with the second
least amount of votes finds the can and uses it to tame and control one of the
bears, to kill the other person, etc, etc. This person moves onto the final round.
ROUND THREE: The final contestant is put to the ultimate challenge. I'm not
telling you what it is. Let's call it The Gauntlet. You decide whether
they win or lose.
How? I'll explain. THIS week, I want you to pick your winner from the voting
form in the normal way, but I also want you to choose, in a newly designed separate
field, 'win' or 'lose', which will indicate whether you want the guy you voted
for to live or die in the FINAL round. Complicated? Yes. Win/lose will apply to
the winner, whoever it is, even if it's not the person you voted for.
For instance, if I wanted Gort to beat the other two (Scotty and me), but I
wanted him to die in round three (final round), my voting form would look like
this:
Win/Lose - Lose
Vote - Gort.
If I wanted Scotty to beat the other two, but I wanted him to LIVE in the final
round, my voting form would look like this:
Win/Lose - Win
Vote - Scotty.
Max is my name, so that's why I put it. I'll use Kryten for an example, for
the people who don't understand. Kryten wants Scotty to win, but he wants him
to die in the final round. Kryten would put:
Win/Lose - Lose
Vote - Scotty.
Well I've talked for long enough. So please, PLEASE vote for this one. On the
voting form, of course!
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