Futurama

Ask Dr. Zoidberg #5

Hello friends!

Once again, your favourite doctor finds the time to read and answer some of your queries. We have a good selection this time, so let's read on, why not.

Abby Pepin asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Hey, I just wanted to say I love your answers to all these questions-they actually make sense. More than some normal human doctor's answers would. Anyway, I just wanted to know: when Nibbler eats all those animals and stuff, where does it all go? Shouldn't he be grossly fat or something? He is one weird animal, anyway. Thanks!

Well, I'm sure Leela or the Professor would both tell you that because little Nibbler produces super-dense, super-concentrated dark matter that that's where all the things he eats goes: into producing the stuff.

I myself prefer to think that Nibbler has a black hole inside him that sucks all the things he eats into oblivion.

Tammy Brown asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Are you a giant lobster?

I suppose from a certain point of view I am. But that's kind of like asking one of you humans, "are you a small dolphin?"

Peter White asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

How come half the time nobody notices you?.

Because the other half of the time everybody notices me. It's simple mathematics. You need to know mathematics to become a doctor, y'know.

Jennifer asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I think you are one of the coolest people that works for Planet Express.

Can you tell me about the people you like from where you come from?

From Jennifer.

PS Here are some pictures of food.

Hooray, food!

Back on Decapod 10 I was hugely popular amongst my people. There was my famous Uncle Zoid of course, and then there was my auntie who raised me, though she could be cruel sometimes. I used to have the biggest crush on Edna, even though she made fun of me because I always had barnacles on my face. Then there was my best friend Nathrops... we used to get up to all kinds of trouble together. Once, in high school, we filled a blowfish with eel waste, then lit it on fire outside the Principal's office. Oh, and there was Professor Scampo, who taught me most of my medicinal training before I came to Earth. He was hundreds of years old, what with never getting the ladies because he was a nerd, and taught me everything I know about medicine.

Kenny McCormick asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

What's the brown stuff the comes out of my ass? And why does it smell bad?

For the first part of the question: it's Dominos Pizza sauce. And for the second part: it's Dominos Pizza sauce.

Bosda Di'Chi asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

What is the difference between a Prawn and a Pie?

What is the difference between a Prawn & a 1920's Style Death Ray?

What is the difference between Bender's derriere & a 1972 Oldsmobile?

Ooooh, three questions! Hooray!

1) A pie goes soggy when you try to eat it underwater, while prawns do not.

2) A 1920's Style Death Ray goes soggy when you try to eat it underwater, while prawns do not.

3) A 1972 Oldsmobile is far shinier (but don't tell the robot I said that...)

Drexlerd asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Do you wish you were blue like your parallel Zoidberg, or some color other than red?

Sometimes I wish I was green, because then I could go to the park to steal picnic baskets and hide in the bushes without getting caught so easily.

Dana Warren asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

What is that squishy gray thing that humans have in their skull?

The bladder.

XIII asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Why do you make the *woop woop woop* noise? is it just fun to do? or does it have a reason for happening? *i love making the wooping noise* =]?

On my planet, Decapod 10, it would be used as a warning to my people that predators such as giant clams are coming. On Earth, where there aren't many of us, it's mostly used to try and scare humans into maybe dropping their food.

Zak Owen Starfighter asks:

Dear Dr. John A. Zoidberg

How much wood would a decapodian chuck if a decapodian could chuck wood?

Well, a decapodian could chuck no amount of wood 'cause a decapodian can't chuck wood .

But if we could, seven.

Zapp Brannigan asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I'm Commander Zapp Brannigan, perhaps you remember of me? I would like to ask you, why your colleague Leela hates me so much? I didn't understand...

Commander Zapp Brannigan

p.s.: here are three guinea pigs for you, since I found out you like 'em so much, from "Anthology Of Interest I".?

Hold on, I'll just go and ask her.

...
...
...

She said, "never say that name to me again, Zoidberg, or I'll permanently crack your shell.".

Danielle King asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Remember when Bender, Fry, and those two others guys got suck on an island with giants? And the robot in charge made everyone (except Bender) have snu snu (?). Doesn't that mean sex? How bad was it for us??

I wasn't there, but Fry and that Zapp Brannigan fellow both seemed to enjoy their time there. It would have been bad for me though, since I would have died, I would.

Harry Stephenol asks:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have just be informed that you bear the same lastname as my client Mr. David who passed away recently.

My late client indicated your name as the next of kin and for two years now, l have been trying to locate anyone with the same last name, hence my contacting you.
Do get in touch with me immediately for further information, should you be the one.

Regards
Barrister Harry Stephenol

I don't remember a David Zoidberg in our family... how very odd. Must be a distant cousin, or something. In either case, Zoidberg is saddened, but hopeful of possible riches!

Alice asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Fry is my favourite Futurama character. He's so cute, but has a Japanese name, Furai! While he's singing any Chocobo song when he's walking, Fry finds a cloning machine and has accidentally cloned himself a lot of times. And the Planet Express gang is in big trouble! How many Frys are in any new episodes?

A riddle, huh? So if Fry cloned himself, how many would there be... hmmmm...

As many as he got to before Zoidberg found out and stole the cloning machine! Then, there'd be food forever for Zoidberg! Hooray!

Célia Pace asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Well, I was in love with my best friend Thomas but he told me he wasn't interested. Now, it's been 2 years that I love him and I think he is in love too. What can I do to be with him ? He's really shy. Please Zoidberg, help me.

Well, I'm not really an expert in love... but thousands and thousands of people are going to know now that you've sent this to me, and if that's not dedication to somebody you love, then I don't know what is!

When I was in love with Edna, I was willing to do whatever it took to be with her. Now that I've responded here, tell Thomas to come to this page so he can read this: "You! Human male! This woman has broadcast her love for you. Doctor Zoidberg prescribes taking her up on her offer to calm her bad case of heartburn."

Samuel Herr asks:

Dear Dr. TottalyOWNSberg,

Why can't I go into my TV, Zoidy? You're a specielized Doctor of crap, WHY CAN'T I? I love you and went to shake your hand when you said "To Hell with your spoiled baby, I NEED those shoes!" cause you OWNED Hermes!

Because a TV is a one-way transport device, a bit like a Stargate. Also, we don't know what would happen if you went in and then somebody turned it off.

And it's good to know *somebody* thinks I'm better than that stupid Hermes! Hooray!

Quinn asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg.

My belly button is itchy and my tounge is turning blue, can you help? What should I do? just in case you need to know what I ate recently (just in case it was something poisonous) I’ve had an egg sandwitch, lady fingers (at the fair), anchovys, and bachelor chow… oh yeah, and a blue lollypop!

Signed your human friend,

Quinn

Oh, it's clearly the anchovies! That's for sure... nothing else could have caused that. It's a well known fact that anchovies do that to humans. I prescribe that you give *me* those anchovies as soon as possible. I'll... uh... dispose of them for you.

Hunter Lisko asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg.

I would like to know how many surgeries have you performed?

Oh, hundreds. Thousands perhaps even. I couldn't even count them all. I could count the successful ones on one claw, but... that's not really the point.

Erik asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg.

What species are you?

Decapodian, last time I checked. Though apparently if you look back far enough in my family history, there's a little Dibranchiatian in there too.

TLP asks:

Hello Doctor,

As a fellow scientist, I'd like to get a second opinion on an illness. The patient has a temperature, is shivering and occasionally bursts into song. Any ideas?

Yes. My diagnosis is that your patient is Madonna. I'm afraid I'm going to have to recommend euthanasia in this case.

Steve asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg.

I've seen you happy and sad.

Do you ever get "crabby"?

Yes. Like when my friends throw me pieces of food that aren't food. Or when they promise food but there isn't any. In fact, pretty much any time my friends mess with me with regards to food.

Nathan Haist asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg.

I miss your Ask Zoidberg Section a lot... I keep checking up on the website, but there are never any updates... Why don't you like tuna fish more than sardines?

Well, there's an update now :)

It's because I'm often busy with my work. It has nothing to do with me being lazy or anything. Nope. Not at all.

As four your question... well... sardines are more of a delicacy. That's not to say tuna isn't good too... but sardines are what you humans would call heavenly. I'm not sure why exactly, but if you want a more scientific analysis, you could always send me lots of each of them. I'd be more than happy to perform various tests. Oh, and send some blue cod too. I'll need a control fish to make the results fair, after all.

And that's another set of questions answered. Don't forget, I'm an expert on humans, so as a human you owe it to yourself to get the best advice possible.

Until next time.

- Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D.